My partner and I plucked a star from the cosmos and knew the night of conception that a special being was on the way. I took great joy throughout my pregnancy, celebrating my changing body and honored the impermanence of it all. At six months, I experienced a minor case of placenta previa, where I bled enough to go to the hospital. I cried the whole way there, not knowing if I would still be pregnant at the end of the day. Through this experience, I gained two great lessons: first, that I wasn't in love with being pregnant, but more specifically being pregnant with this being. Secondly, I learned a greater sense of surrender. 

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As much as I loved this stranger inside me, I have no control over if they chose to stay with me or not. This means I have to love them for their whole lives whether that life comes earthside or not. So, I surrendered. I surrendered to the process of slowing down and really embracing each moment of special I could. This practice of celebration and presence helped prepare me for birth day...

I had a hard time sleeping because I felt restless in my body. I woke up around 2:30am after getting to bed at 1:30 am and told myself, go back to sleep. I woke up at 4am with what I thought was braxton hicks. It was really sensational but not consistent. I ran myself a bath thinking I need to relax my body if I am going back to bed. I didn't want to wake Logan or my mom unless I really knew it was on. After my bath, I went back to bed, I lay there with really short waves rolling in and realized I am not going back to sleep. I pulled two Tarot cards, Postponement and the card of The Burden and laughed at the message, you can't put this off. I woke Logan and asked him to rev up the contraction app. I tried doing it for myself for the first few waves but I couldn't focus on riding them and recording them. Logan was so hesitant. I said, "Logan, the waves have begun, we need to start recording them" and he said, "Go back to bed." 

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-I did...twice. "Everyone told me to tell you to go back to bed and that you wouldn't listen." : ) 

When he started actually recording the waves it quickly alerted him, Pack your bag- its time to go to the hospital! That was when it became real for him. We weren't heading to the hospital, we had planned to have a homebirth. My waves were coming on every 3 minutes and lasting about 45 seconds. I would drop to the ground on all fours and wag my tail, leaning into the sensation. I texted my doula, Charlotte, and our dear friend Taylor. I told Charlotte they were closer than 5 minutes apart and she said she was on her way. In that time, Logan and mom started getting the birthing pool together. When the waves would come Mom would push on my low back and I would lean into her legs signaling Start and End. I felt nervous energy coming from Logan that we didn't have enough time. Having Charlotte arrive felt reassuring that at least one person who had witnessed birth before was there. She also said the words I needed to hear, "You have plenty of time." I looked pleadingly into her eyes and asked, "Do I?" and she said, "Well, you are still speaking in full sentences, so yes." I gave her the birth playlists my friends had curated for me and allowed myself to start to drop in fully. 

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From this point on, my eyes were closed the majority of the time. I truly went IN. When Tawyna, my midwife arrived, I was on the toilet propped on the ball and against the tub with one leg up. I felt really validated by Charlotte in this position to trust my body's instincts to find the positioning that felt natural. Tawyna said, "Let's ride this next one in a more vertical position. It was way more intense and Charlotte's cue was "Send it down to your baby. With each wave you are expanding, opening, allowing your baby to drop down a little more, so send it down." That was the visual that really stuck with me. I was resolute in not holding on to the pain sensation, but instead focusing on expanding, opening, dropping, allowing, releasing. Que Poder. 

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While in the bathroom I remember hearing Logan say something about making a post and Charlotte saying forget about them, just be in it. Then Taylor arrived and asked, can I come in? -No. Logan, same question. -No. It felt so firm and good to simply say No, and that No was a complete sentence. I heard my mom being a host and small talking and I told Charlotte, “hearing small talk is literally painful for me, they aren't IN it.” She went out there and nipped that in the bud. 

Tawyna suggested we ride out some waves on my bed so we transitioned in there. I know Charlotte was with me, behind me, pushing in to me with her whole body, and I had this really transy sexual experience. It was incredible. I told her I wanted Logan. He came in and held me close. I felt myself grinding against him in the waves and I think I fell asleep in the pauses. I felt safe and held and WITH my partner. Then suddenly my body pushed. I exclaimed, "I HAD to push." and my midwife said that's right, trust your body. The body knows. It was so wild to feel my body push without having to be told and to follow my body's cues. The waves were coming on quickly and frequently and I wanted to go to the pool. 

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Holy wow, the instant relief I felt once I was led into the water. I had this epic vision of a whale breaching as I entered the water and felt incredible. I was guided through a few different positions in the pool. I felt the ring of fire and in recognizing what it was, I felt no fear. My midwife had me get on all fours. I knew this was a close to the finish line pose but I had no idea how close we were. I really appreciated that she never gave me number based progress reports but instead led me with cues reminding me that I can trust my body. Then she said, 'okay Em, it’s time to have your baby so really give it all you've got." I remember pushing and not wanting to stop because I could feel the baby was close. 

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Those last few waves were so intense and beautiful and WILD. I was suspended between this plane and the stars. With the last rush, I envisioned myself in this tunnel of chaos- everything was gray and white and pixelated and I heard Taylor's voice a few inches from my head saying, "you are the strongest woman I know and you are DOING this." This little reaffirming voice was my only tie to this plane and reality pulling me through as I birthed myself as a mother along with my child. The relief I felt as my baby moved through me was so satisfying and orgasmic. Pleasure rippled and waved through me. I knew my baby had been born. 

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I could not hear them and I wasn't facing them, and yet I was profoundly not worried. Then they cried out and I heard Logan say, "I have a son!" I rolled over and they handed him to me. He was so purple and cone-headed and all I could think of were the elongated skull people from the museum in Peru. I looked around at each face and felt pride. Like, I have given birth to this interstellar being who will transform before your very eyes into a human! I felt this sense that there was far too much to take in any part of him aside from his alien-ness that I felt so proud of. Every face had a smile or tears in their eyes. I didn’t feel like crying. I felt like WITNESS ME IN THE GREATNESS OF WHAT I JUST DID! The cord had stopped pulsing and Logan and Tawyna were talking about it being time to cut the cord. I had this inner dialogue when Logan said, “I’m ready.” Was I ready to cut the cord between me and this life I had been carrying? I whispered in my baby’s ear, “Your ancestors are with you and the entire fabric of the universe has expanded to make room for you.”

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Logan got to cut the cord and immediately went into skin to skin so I could birth the placenta. With the cutting of the cord it was like my body completely forgot how to push. Tawyna helped me out of the pool and she and Charlotte guided me to the bathroom where I squatted to give birth to the placenta. I got to hold it. It was purple and red. I got to thank it. Thank you placenta for teaching me about surrender, for nourishing my child, and being the connection point between divinity and my child. Thank you. I love you. I wept. Then I handed it over to Charlotte to make prints of it and a smoothie. 

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Then Logan, my son, my dog and I got to retreat to our bed for some quiet alone time together. He latched right away and we nursed and felt grace. Togetherness. Teddy Lanier Uhlenhake. In the time between us going into the golden hour and getting out of bed again, everyone cleaned up the house and put everything back together so when I rose from the deepest nap I have ever experienced it was like everything was back to normal and we just had one more person in our party now. What a blessing. This birth team was perfect and this dance that Teddy and I shared to bring him through was perfectly done in unison. 

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I have never felt so trusting in my capabilities and divinely in control of my full self while simultaneously being in a state of complete surrender. What an exquisite journey.